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Another Tearful Birthday

As the deer long for the water so my soul longs for you, God. Psalms 42:1Today….is one of those days (again this year) where the saddness of missing my mom overtakes my heart.  All week I have dreaded my birthday (as last year it was the toughest day emotionally that I experienced), but I thought it would be so much better than it was last year. I have a full year and four months of grieving and crying under my belt.  I would have thought it would get easier, but let me tell you-it hasn’t, and I don’t know if it ever will!!!

The morning started out pretty good with sweet kids, and husband.  Then we sat down for breakfast and Bible.  As we began to sing, as is our normal routine, the tears quickly sprang to the surface.  I can remember the many, many times singing praises to the Lord beside my precious mother.  She loved to sing praises to the Lord, and I loved to be near her doing the same.  My hear and soul ache for her presence.  Then as we read God’s word, I was comforted and reminded that although I intensely miss my mom it is really God who is able to satisfy all of my hearts desires!  I love that knowledge and while it is comforting and uplifting, and most of all full of truth that I can hold on to…my heart is still so sad.

Kids are so fun, and birthday’s are full of joy and wonder for them it seems-a party…present…cakes…dreams coming true.  For me today it brings a sad reality of a loss of love, appreciation and history.  My kids wanted to know everything about the day I was born.  I have heard the stories from my mom year after year, but…I guess I didn’t listen well enough.  I know what time I was born, but I have no idea when my mom went to the hospital, or even how long she was in labor with me. I have no pictures before the age of about 6 months.   I wish I had a book or a video that told everything about my past and history from my mom’s perspective. That brought tears instantly to my eyes that it is lost forever.  There is no way that I can ever get any of that precious information about my history back.  I am thankful for memories, but oh how I wish I had so many more!!!  History seems like such a little thing, but it in reality – feels so empty to not be able to ask those silly things to the one who bore me and knew every detail about me before I was able to remember them for myself.  The sense of loss is great today.  There is no one that celebrates you like your mom!!   Birthdays are reminders of the love and care that mom’s provided before we could even appreciate it to get us where we are today.  I am blessed and oh so very tearfully thankful for my mom.  Praying that in some small way that my four precious children will have half of the love, respect and  appreciation that I carry for my mother for me someday.

I miss my mom!!!  Thankful for the Lord who comforts the orphans.

Psalms 43:5 Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again-my Savior and my God


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