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The Ugly Club

This weekend I had the joy of taking a meal to a friend of mine that had just recently lost her mother to cancer.  Although it was such an emotional event for me.  Knowing of her mother’s struggles and the probability that she would not make it for weeks before was difficult, but then when her mother finally passed…I felt heartsick for my friend!  Knowing the struggles that she would face without her mother, was a struggle that I would hope no one would ever have to face!

As I prepared the meal the tears were readily on my eyes and my throat was thick with that emotion that is so often felt these days-still.  (We keep hearing that time heals, and while that is true I am sure, there are certain times that the emotions just smack of the harsh reality that you wish were different.)  As I took the meal to my dear friend the sadness of the steps she would need to go through in the upcoming days, weeks and years brought tears for not only my friend but for myself as well. I felt so foolish when I got to my friend, I could barely keep it together. As we began to talk, the tears began to roll.  I know that my friend is still in that numb stage where it is still all so new, and hard to believe.

Me on the other hand…the reality has fully set in…..

My mom will never be there for another celebration of life.  She’s not there to call when I can’t remember something from my childhood.  She is not there to share those moments that ONLY your mom would be able to appreciate.    I am so sad that I have to use past verb to talk about her to everyone I meet.  There are still people that I come into contact with that are shocked and saddened to know that she has passed.  I hate that my children love to go to her gravesite.  It is their way of going to see Grandma Barents.  They loved going to her house and staying the night with her…now there is noone.  I am so sad that all of my children’s very special ways and looks that come from her will not ever be able to be celebrated by her. I am sad that I have so many questions that come up EVERY day that I would just love to hear her advice about. I am heartsick that Shiloh will never remember the grandma that went to Kansas to help us bring her home.  We have pictures of Grandma holding and cuddling her, and that is the best that she will ever know. So sad that I didn’t listen better to everything.  She was such an amazing person.  She was funny, kindhearted, so very encouraging, and most of all was a faithful believer. She loved Jesus!  I think I am most sad that I will never be the same person that I was before she died.  I know that God has a purpose in all that He does, and so I am grateful that He is in control.  However, bringing the meal to my friend and talking to her about my own experience brought back so many raw emotions.  I think having small children and trying to grief is an experience that is hard to relate to unless you have walked that road.  There is little time to really grief because you still have to be “mom” to your little people.  I heard it said that when you have little ones that it takes twice as long to go through the grieving process because you simply don’t have the time to do it well=). I don’t know if there is any truth to that, but I don’t feel like I will ever do this grieving well.  It just keeps coming in difficult waves.

So while I was talking to my friend she said, I guess I am part of the club now.  I looked at her with a strange look, and she filled in the rest.  “The ugly motherless club.” The ugly club???.  The club no one wants to be part of ever!!!  It was so true.  So as I type today I have been praying for my friend, and fully understand the intense heartache of missing my mama.  I wish I could hear her voice.  Yesterday my sister came over to sew a project on mom’s sewing machine.  We both looked at it and wished that we had payed closer attention to the runnings of her very nice, and complicated quilters sewing machine.  We both stated with great sadness, how we wished she was here with us!!  This is the muse that consumes me ever day!!!!  God is good, and I still miss my mama!!!

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One Response

  1. Hi Tiffany! I’m so sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. Your blog brought a few tears in my eyes. My sister, Sue, passed away almost 11 years ago. That rawness still pops up from time to time. I can’t imagine not having my mom around as she means so much to me. Hugs to you and your family.

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