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Songs of Remembrance- Mom

This week I have felt such a burden in my heart.  I have not been able to sleep several nights…thinking about my mom.  Trying to remember events from the past.  What she looked like, how she talked, and so many other amazing things about her.

This is a picture that was taken just a few months before she went to be with the Lord. She was in pain, but had a beautiful countenance still.

This next week it will be a year since I have heard her voice, hugged her, or had a chance to tell her how amazing she was to me.  I can hardly believe that I have managed almost an entire year with out the person that gave me life (both physical and helped lead me to my eternal life as well).  My heart and spirit are broken today!  Somedays the grief is just an undercurrent in the  whirlpool of all that we have going on during our daily events.  Today…I am overwhelmed and incredibly sad!!!

I

MISS

MY

MOM!!!

I want to talk to her, tell her about all the neat things my kids are doing these days.  Ask her for prayer when I struggle trying to manage it all.  I miss the encouragement that only a mother that truly loves the Lord can give.  I miss feeling connected to another person in such an amazing way.  Sure I have connections with my husband, kids, sister and a host of other wonderful people.  BUT IT IS NOT THE SAME!!!  My mother was my best friend.  I adored her.  She was the one that showed Christ love to me in amazing ways.

The last few months I have been teaching the kids hymns during our morning devotional time.  It has been a lot of fun.  As I read the hymns it brings back a flood of memories.  Tonight after dinner I picked up the hymnal to find a new hymn for tomorrow morning and began singing.  The fist song was His Eye is On the Sparrow.  It was the song that was sung at her funeral.  The emotion that song brings up is unbelievable.  My heart was filled with so many different emotions.  I was joyful that it is He that can watch over all things is the same as He that takes care of me.  As I flipped the pages of the book, the emotions kept rising like a tidal wave.  Why is it that songs can do that?

As I turned each page, it became harder and harder to sing. Not only the words of some of these amazing hymns, but the memories attached to them.  We spent so much time as kids, young ladies and adults singing around the piano.  joyful, joyful we adore thee..melt the clouds of sin and sadness, drive the dark of doubt away, fiver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day.  It is songs like these that give hope.  I am so thankful for this hope.  To God be the glory-I could hear my mother’s beautiful voice singing this song loud and clear.  She had an intense and beautiful voice.  When she was in high school she was offered vocal scholarships.  She loved to harmonize on every song.  My problem was always trying to follow  her voice and still keep everyone from holding their ears.

As I got to How Great Thou Art, the tears really began to flow.  This was the first song that I could play out of the hymnal as a child on the piano.  I remember her sitting with me working through the flat notes time and time again.  What precious memories!  I remember the look in her eyes the first time I was able to play that song all the way through with out any mistakes.  She was so proud and I was delighted to see the look of pride in her eyes.

She had that look of pride in her eyes very often even over the simple things that we did.  That is one of the things that I miss the most about her.  As she used to often say, “I am a simple small town girl.  Therefore pleased with the simple things in life.”  She truly was.  I remember growing up, any little thing that we did showed love to her.  Whether it was pulling weeds, or baking a pie with a 2 inch flour crust (mixed the dough for pizza and not a pie).  She still smiled and added how great the filling tasted.  It didn’t matter that there was four inches of crust on either side of the filling.  I miss that influence in my life desperately!!  And oh how I wish that my children could have had a godly presence like that in their lives for years too.

As I continued through the pages of the hymnal each song had such a precious memory attached.  Fairest Lord Jesus, was a song that we had to memorize in awanas as a child.  We sang that so many times on our long journey home to Elkhorn.  (It was about 45 minutes one way so we had plenty of time, plus we didn’t have a radio in the car.)  Jesus What a Friend for Sinners was one of her favorite songs.  She had been rescued from a life of destruction.  She was a first generation believer.  Her family went to church because that was what everyone did in a small town, but they did not walk in the faith.  After she moved to Omaha and continued to experienced the darkness of this world, the Lord rescued her.  Her life was full of heartaches caused by living in the world.  When the Lord took hold of her she CHANGED!  She had an amazing testimony and never forgot.  One of her other favorite songs was, I love to Tell the Story.  She did like to tell the many ways that the Lord had provided for her.  I grew up hearing the wonderful stories of how God had taken her out of the mire and dirt and set her feet on solid ground.  I also remember sitting literally at her feet for hours and having her tell story after story of the ways God walked beside her and answered the prayers of a faithful servant.  We were very poor growing up.  She was a single mom raising two children which caused her to practice her faith often.  She depended on the Lord.  There were times that we had literally dollars to make it to the end of the month and needed gas money, food and money to keep our electricity on. You know what…God always provided just what we needed.  And you know what else…mom never forgot.  She praised Him in the midst of the storm-and rejoiced after the storms.  She was woman that knew where her strength came from.

The last song that I came to tonight was My Jesus, I Loe Thee.  I could no longer contain the tears. The floodgates were opened.  A year ago today mom and I had a wonderful time of singing in the hospital.  Her throat was sore from having a feeding tube down it for weeks on end, and I have never been much of a singer (I always felt like I was okay as long as I sung next to my mother) but we had a time of singing praises together. (I am still sad, I had the video camera there and thought it would be fun to have on tape, of course the battery ran out seconds into it.)  We sang loud, off tune, and with tears in our eyes.  The first verse starts out-My Jesus I love thee, I know thou art mine…if every I loved thee, my Jesus ’tis now.  When we got to the last verse she had a glow about her face, In mansions of glory and endless delight I’ll ever adore thee in heaven so bright I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow, If ever I loved thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.  It was one of the many wonderful blessings that I received from the Lord throughout my mother’s last days here on this earth.  As hard as it was to watch her suffer and then to finally know that Jesus was getting her ready to go home with Him…I was blessed.  I have these memories to treasure.  As I sit hear with tears in my eyes and a heart that is so heavy not only for my mother, but really for heaven with my savior.  So many of these songs are a reminder that this world in not our home.  There will be trials, trouble, difficulties but the hope is there.  Hope in a loving Savior that walks with us here, and when we have completed our purpose on Earth…He will call us home with shout of acclamation.  I know that on June 17th, 2009 at 3:15pm there were shouts  of joy at her seeing Jesus face to face.  I felt the Lord’s presence in the room.  Other than the heartbreak, death of a child of God was the most amazing thing that I have ever experienced in my life.  It felt as though the room was filled with the Heavenly hosts.  It was as if there were angles all around.  I could almost here them singing.  After she passed, I specifically told the kids, “You have experienced something few people have at this young of an age, you have been in the direct presence of the Lord taking a spirit to glory.  You have seen His glory revealed with earthly eyes.  It is our goal to finish the race well.  Grandma did just that.  She loved the Lord with all of her heart, served Him well and finished strong.”

So, as the days approach to the completion of this first year…I am a bit of a mess.   I have expected certain things to be hard through out this first year.  I have had many tears, however…it is hard to be able to take the time to grief well with four small children. That has been an okay thing at times because it keeps me moving.  It seems like life is too busy to really be able to stop and just take the moment to reflect and to be that broken hearted child who has lost a mother..best friend…confidant…cheerleader…helper….example…keeper of history… and grandma. This heart ache and deep emotion is a difficult valley to walk through and although many days are filled with the daily life of living…the healing process will be long, hard and sorrowful.  The deeper the love, the deeper the hurt, the longer to heal.  I am glad that He walks with me.

Why should I feel discouraged,

why should the trials come

why should my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home.

When Jesus is my portion

my constant friend is He

for his eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me.

And I sing because I am happy

and I sing because I am free

for His eye is on the sparrow

– and I know he watches me.

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One Response

  1. Tiffany, I think this is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. I will be praying for you this week.

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