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Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Today was one of those days that I felt the heaviness of life.  Many days it is just the normal things of keeping our house running smoothly, but today was…a reality hit.  It was one of those sorrow filled days where I can clearly see the difficulties of our life.  The stress and strain of the constant worry about germs, while balancing the desire for interaction and connections.  One of my friends commented today on how I was such an example of strength and a testimony to God’s power in my life as we deal with really difficult things.  I assured her that I have many difficult days and it is only by His grace that we make it a day. The one thing that I am really good at is falling flat on my face in failure before Him and allowing the Lord to pick me up.

As I sat holding Shiloh out of the nursery at a homeschool co-op (due to her being so oral and putting EVERYTHING in her mouth) I was reminded of how different my life looks from so many of those around us.  My heart began to get sad.  Then Rachel begged to go to her preschool homeschool class.  I realized that this is the first time she has been there all semester.  I was saddened again.  Not only that she and Shiloh miss out on so much, but then the whole concern about her safety in her class as relates to all of the kids .  I let Rachel go, and prayed.  When I went to pick her up she was so proud to show me her plant that they planted.  I about freaked out on her.  Dirt s one of the best places to find a very dangerous and basically non-treatable bacteria that some cfer’s get. After almost hyperventilating I once again began to pray.  I reminded her what the doctor told us about dirt,  then she asks me the question, “Will it make me die mom?” UGGGG!!! More prayer!

The day continued on with family going to a very kid friendly/extremely germ filled place for lunch.  I chose to not go once again for safety reasons.  Nathan and Caleb

sad,

sad,

frustrated and not understanding.

Mom,

heart breaking again.

Then the one that pushed me over the edge, already feeling like there is no where that is safe or that our family is welcomed.  It reminded me that I  really missed my mom.  She was the one place that my family could go that was safe and inviting at all times.  She cooked for us often and knew our family and included us in every way that she could with out making us feel weird or like we could somehow handle being left out of various things because it was our plight to walk alone.  We have nothing outside our home.  If it is not germs, it is life-threatening food allergies, if it is not food allergies it is severe allergies to pets (everyone we know it seems has a pet!!).  Our life at times feels like a prison.  I know God is here with all of this, but it still makes me sad and overwhelmed sometimes!  Today the tears flowed.  Often times my kids don’t see all of the heartache, and yet so many times they feel a depth of struggle that the average child may not. I need to remind myself that God is at work in their little lives too. I pray that as we experience hardships of this life that He is shaping and molding them to have strong character and an amazing compassion and love for His people.

Today through the tears I just prayed that God would do something extraordinary in  the lives of each one of my precious children.  I feel sad at times that this is the life that we were dealt, and then as the title says…I turn my eyes upon Jesus.

He knows,

He cares,

He loves!!

I am thankful even when I have tough days like today of seeing the depth of struggle of this world and just plain out feeling sorry for myself , God holds me in His loving and faithful arms.  He does not promise that it will be easy or that there will be no pain, but rather that HE IS!!

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